Howdy Folks!
The quote “Learn from experience. Preferably other peoples,” is one of my favorite quotes. It’s the idea that you don’t have to go through everything first hand yourself, when you can learn instead, by observation or second-hand wisdom from those who have already trodden that path before. Especially when it comes to experiences that may come with life-altering consequences.
Of course people will people, and even the best wisdom from others is not always enough to deter us from a chosen path, sending us into a head-on collision with the expected consequences. The sort that cause us to break down in grief, or lose money, or lose a job, or injure relationships, or leave us isolated, and covered in shame.
There is so much that we all go through as people while navigating life on earth, that many times we fall short of the ideal. And that is where God’s grace comes in to pick us up, and set us straight again, so that we can continue walking.
What is so interesting about life though is that everyone of us has an appointment with the ground. And by that I don’t mean death, though it will come eventually, but times when we are at our lowest because of various circumstances, and can no longer stand. These appointments are ‘scheduled’ for different times and seasons for each of us. Some come earlier, and others later. My brother, for example, may have had his ‘appointment on the ground’ in the year 2000, while my challenging season may have come in January 2023, while someone else may be going through something right now in November of 2025.
The beauty is that I can learn from that experience my brother went through in the year 2000 and be encouraged, just as someone else now, may learn from the experience I had in 2023. Nothing is ever wasted, even though it may not feel that way at that time.
As I have grown older and accumulated more life experience and wisdom, I have often found myself in situations where I’m asked for advice or guidance – in the workplace from co-workers, at church from the youths, and in other social circles among my peers. Depending on the situation, I have referenced principles I have picked up along the way from reading books, professional training, wise counsel from mentors, and observing what others have done in similar situations, with successful outcomes. I have also often gone back to my own personal experiences.
I count it as a privilege to get to speak into people’s lives and always take it seriously, and in doing so, I have also found that people are helped more, not just by the principles and theories I’ve shared, but also when I shared actual life experiences. Primarily because they were real, they were honest, and they were relatable. The very things that we sometimes think disqualify us, are the very ones that make us suitable.
Imagine the difference it makes when someone is able to see that behind your nicely curated persona or social media image lies a real person, with real struggles and issues just like them. But the additional blessing is when they can see that you overcame.
Certainly, at the time when you’re in the thick of things and going through turmoil, sharing your story one day, for the good of others, is probably the furthest thing from your mind. But I believe on the other side of your greatest trials lies your greatest message, if you allow those trials to make you better, instead of bitter.
You get to grow in character, your roots deepen and you develop a reservoir of wisdom from which you can draw, and make a difference in the lives of others.
Yes, some of that wisdom and character is for you, and (hopefully) your improved decision-making going forward , but there’s a young person, an acquaintance, a friend for whom your story, in full or in part, can make a huge difference.
So in case you’re wondering how you can do all this and own your story, and make it a tool of help and encouragement for others,…here are some tips that I have found helpful:
- Heal first. The best way we can help others, is when we ourselves have healed and overcome. Sometimes we speak on things too soon, and we run the risk of bleeding on people instead of helping them. Doing the work to heal helps you speak with clarity from a healed scar, rather than from an open wound. And you know you’ve healed when you can objectively pick out the mistakes and the lessons in what you went through without it being coloured by blame, resentment and other negative emotions.
- Examine your Motive. What is your motive? Hopefully the answer here is to help whoever you are sharing your story with, (And not to recruit sympathisers to your cause). Ask yourself, Why do I want to share this story? What do I hope they gain from hearing this? Let your motivation be help, service, and not validation, pity or PR. Having the right motive provides the grace needed for the story to land as it should, anchored in principles and the lessons that have been learned. And while we are speaking of lessons…
- Be clear about the Lesson. Start by listening fully, understanding the situation clearly, and then share your story/experiences in response to what you have heard, curated for relevance. It’s not necessary to share every tiny detail of your experience, and getting lost in the weeds talking…unless you have an abundance of time. But share the experiences that are relevant to the need you are trying to address. And that will help bring perspective, and clarity to the listener.
- Be honest, but respectful. Tell your story with emotional honesty, even if it’s messy. Your experiences may, or may not be exactly identical, but oftentimes, people connect more through shared emotions of what that challenging season made them feel, than just the facts of what happened themselves. It’s ok to share the ugly parts and say: “I cried,” “That situation broke me, “I didn’t know where to go and what to do,” “I felt ashamed. Embarrassed,” “I carried guilt,” “I was angry.” Why? Because sharing both the events, and the emotions allows people to see your humanity, as well as their own. And that is the first step towards healing. The only caveat here is to be respectful of privacy, especially if your story involves other people.
- End With Hope and encouragement. After the heavy sharing, and pouring out of hearts, end on a hopeful and positive note. It shouldn’t just be a session of exchanging notes on who went through what, or whose pain was worse. But, (especially if you are successfully on the other side of things), express hope that they too will overcome. They too can look forward to better days. That despite what it looks like now, their story can end differently. And positively.
- Relinquish the outcome. Last but not the least, relinquish the outcome. Wouldn’t it be nice if after our investment of time and emotions and encouragement and wisdom, the person went ahead and did exactly what we guided them to do, and they had a great outcome? – Yes . But sadly, that is not always the case. Human beings have what we call “Free Will” and they can choose to do as they please, even after receiving good guidance. To protect yourself from the inevitable disappointment that comes in those situations where your guidance is not taken, resist the urge to commandeer the outcome, but do your best to convey the important truths. Leave the actions in the hands of the receiver. Yours is to guide. It is rarely to save the person. What I often do is commit the person and the situation to prayer, because only God truly has the ability to open someone’s mind to see things differently and effect lasting change. My responsibility ends at sharing, while their responsibility is for the actions they take, and the outcome of those actions.
What has been your experience in turning your experiences of pain and struggle (past or present) into a story that can help and heal others? Or, are you still struggling with anger or shame, that you’d rather just forget about what happened altogether? Or perhaps you have been able to successfully influence others in your sphere through your positive outcomes?
Either way, I’d love to hear from you, and maybe we can exchange notes on learning the important lessons from these seasons, and then passing them along to others who might still be on the floor.
We don’t always know the reasons why we go through what we go through in life, but at the very least, we can redeem some good from those situations and help someone else navigate their life better… based on our experience
xoxo
Lubaya
